my last day at Anna was absolutely ridiculous. to say the least.

001. each intern gets to choose clothing to take up to $225 wholesale. i was able to get this amazing creme “folk” dress with tons of yellow&green embroidery. its so “Anna” that it makes me want to cry. so grateful i have a sweet treasure to remember my time by.

002. at 10am on friday morning (one hour into my last day) im just eating breakfast and starting morning paperwork when i get handed a $20 bill by Elizabeth (one of the patternmakers) and she says, “Get Beatriz (another patternmaker. my favorite. the sweet “mother” to all the interns. her first language is spanish.) to the hospital.”

OK. breathe.

i didnt even know anything was wrong. everyone begins to freak out and i try to stay calm and get her down the elevator and into a cab and try to navigate to roosevelt hospital. its not until we get out of the elevator that i find out…

while eating a bagel and cream cheese on her worktable…

she accidently swallowed a straight pin.

OH. MERCY.

that is the one thing my waco roommates were always worried about with me. you see, fashion designers always have pins in their mouths. its like a habit, plus you usually need one about every 2 minutes…but rarely have i ever worried about swallowing one. horror.

so we’re in the cab, and i can tell beatriz is trying not to cry but she is freaking out. she’s not swallowing for fear of making the pin go down farther. she seems to be okay, though, so i am attempting to hold it together so at least one of the two of us can remain sane. inwardly, though, i am UNGLUED. i am scared and have absolutely no idea what to do in the midst of this.

and all of this on my last day of work. its laughable, really. no, not really.

i know beatriz is not really religious, but all i know to do is pray for her. i believe that God loves to heal His people right in the midst of pain&injuries to reveal His power and love. so i ask her if I can pray for her. she nods yes.

so i prayed with all the faith and trust that i could muster up. i asked the Lord to just make the pin disappear. i mean, i could pray that they would get the pin out and the pain to go away soon, but i thought, Lord, you hold all the powers of the universe in your hand, and you’ve raised people the dead, so of course you can do this. “Lord, I just even ask that you would make this pin disappear from her throat right now, in the name of Jesus.” and i believed He could&would do it.

we pull up to the hospital, and its not the emergency entrance (thank you, cab driver), so i am walking around the hospital asking everyone for the emergency center. we finally find it and get sent to desk after desk looking for the first place we need to go. i finally find a doctor and as it would be, it is his first day, and he doesn’t quite know what to do (of course, if i was told that someone had swallowed a straight pin, i would freeze, too. ha)…we get sent to be “triaged”…i still have no idea what the heck that means. we walk into triage and instead of being ushered in, we are asked to sit down “and they’ll be with us shortly”… we wait for at least 20 mintues without help. and there are no more than 2 other patients in the hospital.

this is one of those times when my self-control had to kick in.

one: i am a mere “fashion designer.” that is all i have lived and breathed for the past 10 weeks so i am totally thrown being in a hospital being absolutely clueless (it was really my first time to be outside the fashion realm, and it was like culture shock). two: i know that hospitals have a process, and that everyone has to wait so things can be “properly done”…i get that, even though it doesn’t make sense to me. however, in a moment like this, all i care about is getting beatriz help, so it was all i could do not to yell, “she has a pin in her throat! help!” Lord Jesus, hold me together. about every 30 seconds i thought i was going to lose it and just start balling. beatriz was just sitting quietly, with silent tears running down her cheeks. that is what i have loved about her since the moment i met her in may: she is unreasonably selfless. she never draws attention to herself, and she always puts aside her own interests for others…even with a pin stuck in her throat, she waits her turn. i dont know patience like this. Lord Jesus, reveal your peace and comfort to her, now.

after what seemed like an hour (25 minutes maybe), we are finally called in, “triaged,” and given a little room with a curtain. the first set of doctors come in and scope her, but cannot see the pin in her throat with just a depressor. she gets put into a gown, iv in arm, the whole “hospital-9-yards,” and still she sits unwaveringly calm. ive never seen anything like it. because they couldn’t see the pin, they ordered a throat xray. after searching the scans, still they can’t find the pin. maybe it has already gone to her stomach, they reason, so they order a chest and stomach xray. after searching through those…still nothing. though, she still felt as if the pin was right near the front of her throat. they bring in 3 more sets of the doctors, all doing a series of tests, and still they cannot find this pin. they send in the head of the heads doctor (obvious to me because he is in a suit instead of hospital garb) and he does a special scope (the final way to find this pin, i guess) and finds nothing.

no trace of a pin in her body. anywhere.

the pain, they say, is probably from when the pin punctured the side of her throat, so it may feel like the pin is still there for a couple of days, but it is no longer there. the doctors are dumbfounded.

im freaking out again. this time, however, out of joy and thankfulness. my dear patternmaker and friend has been healed, and she is going to be okay. JESUS, you are amazing.

After 2 more hours of waiting, we are discharged, and she is back to her normal self. as we are leaving i  say, “beatriz, remember when i prayed for you in the cab, and i asked the Lord to make the pin disappear?! He did it!!” her face lights up and she nods, remembering, and says “thank God. i cannot believe it.” we get back to work around 2pm and the entire company has been on pins&needles (no pun intended) waiting to see if she is okay. Anna is the first person to greet beatriz and gives her a huge hug saying, “im so glad youre okay,” then kisses her on the cheek. i almost cried again.

the rest of the day the whole thing became a joke, really. beatriz was laughing and telling the story over and over. she made me let her pay for my lunch…again, WHAT?! who is this selfless, giving woman?

the last half of my work day was normal. ha.

here is the clencher…at 7:30am that morning, in our church prayer meeting, i prayed, asking Jesus to give me an opportunity to really be the love of Jesus to the patternmakers on my last day of work. i could not have known…

i am floored. again. by the love and wonder of God. His power. His compassion for His people. His mercy on His daughter, Beatriz. Lord, capture her heart.

i would not have had my last day at Anna be any other way.

of course, the Lord was not done bringing me to nothing in light of His glory and power yet…

last night i went to serve at the ronald mcdonald house with my church here in nyc. my dear friend, Brennan, invited me to go with her.

tangent: Brennan is absolutely wonderful. i started going to her community group 1 month into my time in nyc because i heard she worked in fashion. i was desperate for community and knew that anyone who loved jesus and worked in fashion in nyc was someone i wanted to get to know. she has welcomed me into her life and befriended me in a way i never imagined. she has sat with me as ive worked&processed through questions about my future in fashion, listening to my every rambling. i am sent low as i learn what humility, faith, righteous hunger, and peaceful living looks like through her life and sweet, intimate relationship with Jesus. i will miss Brennan greatly after i leave this place.

anyway–so i went with Brennan to ronald mcdonald house. i found out that we were making and serving dinner for the residents. mexican food, to be exact. perfect.

i really had no idea what i was getting myself into…just that i wanted to serve the people of this city. after dinner we attempted to get the children to come back for cupcakes&crafts. they told us to just mingle with the families and get to know their stories.

love.

brennan&i sat down at a table to start drawing, when a beautiful older woman came and brought her baby to our table. the little girl had a visor with a big shark on her small head that one of us had given her (we all wore funny hats to serve dinner in and were giving them out to the kids. i wore a visor with a big purple, pink, & yellow butterfly). i found out that the woman was her grandmother. she was trying to get the little girl to come sit next to her but she kept shouting “No!” but when asked if one of us could move her the little girl shouted, “Yes!” i was taken by her immediately. she had this spirit about her that i knew would capture me. even her adorably loud voice pulled me in, and i knew i would be sitting with her all night. we asked her grandmother the little girl’s name and she proudly stated,

“It’s Nema. That’s Amen backwards.”

i was sold.

i began to color with Nema as the grandmother began to tell Brennan their story. the little girl was just over one year old, and after she was born she developed a tumor behind one of her eyes. the doctors said she would never talk, walk, or see. as the first months of her life went by nothing changed. but over the last month or so she started talking and walking. sight was still out of the question, though. just last week (7 days before we were there), the grandmother said she was still blind in both eyes. another group had been there serving dinner, and they played with Nema. even though she was blind, she would still grab for crayons and color and laugh and play. then, just a couple of days ago, the grandmother was sitting with Nema, when suddenly she reached across the table and picked up a small object. the grandmother realized that Nema could see. since then, she has regained full vision in one of her eyes, and the doctors are dumbfounded.

i love when God blows human reason out of the water. twice in the same week.

i could not believe it. Nema and I sat there for almost 3 hours playing, drawing, and together we made her a bracelet and necklace. she picked the beads up out of the bowl and placed them in my hand. this girl is seeing. Lord!!! sight for her other eye, in the name of Jesus!

Nema’s spirit made me giddy inside. she is so full of life. it was literally the most fun ive had so far in nyc. the grandmother sat there the whole time, just staring at her granddaughter in amazement. she took pictures of Nema making the bracelet, and she would tell Nema, “say cheese, Nema!” and she would look straight up to the camera and yell, “CHEESSSSEE!!” Big toothy smile and eyes big&bright. brennan&i were overwhelmed with wonder and joy. such a beautiful family.

Nema stole my heart last night. i can’t get her smile and voice out of my head. i couldn’t have asked for a better last weekend in nyc. i wouldn’t have wanted to be anywhere else.

thank you, Lord for revealing more beauty in this city. i ask for your favor and grace to be upon beatriz, all the other patternmakers, Anna, and Nema&her grandmother. Lord, reveal your steadfast love&unfailing faithfulness to each of them. Lord, make your name famous here in New York City. shine the light of your face upon your people. and even if i dont end up back here, would you consistently bring to mind the people ive encountered here, and would you impress upon me to intercede for them daily. Jesus, you are good. i count it as gain to have been here, to have been tested here, to have been transformed here. even if everything else is counted failure (and ive failed more times than i can count since being here), i know that i am more in love with you today than i was when i got here on may 24. and may i fall more in love with you in the season to come.

I praise you, Lord of Hosts.

“Our Father in Heaven, hallowed by your name.

Your Kingdom come, your will be done, on earth as it is in Heaven.”

Nema.

let’s all just take a moment.

wherever you are&whatever youre doing, im willing to bet that you might need a minute to just breathe and refresh. i know that after the day i had today–slash, the last 20 days or so since ive written, i definitely need it.

youre already reading. so take a minute. breathe.

HE IS HERE.

let that soak.

-

-

-

there are those days…where only after you get home from work/school, walk in the door, unload all the stuff you were carrying (tangible and intangible), you sit down…and then…

then you come to and realize…i just completed a day.

everything all the sudden starts to sink in. you remember.

busy-ness. stress. chaos, maybe? possibly monotony. dryness. some laughter. some hurt.

what was it like for you today?

i know for me, it was kind of a roller-coaster of ups&downs.

but it is not until you let the day soak in (after its already been spent)…that you realize–

jesus, where were you?

of course, when we then examine our hearts…the true question arises–

jesus, where was i???

its as if i lived my life for the past 12 hours without realizing it. Father–did i even talk with you in the midst of my day? your Word of proven truth says i can and am made to abide in you throughout my day…where is the disconnect? why is it that i am finding myself so swayed by others’ perceptions of me? its like blinking once and realizing your life has been lived and youre just now catching up on DVR. or something.

but then a vision of grace passes before your eyes–and you remember–

just because i was all over the place today doesn’t mean God went anywhere. and as im sitting in B&N, letting the course of my day run across my hindsight, Jesus is reminding me:

Leslie, I haven’t gone anywhere. Im in the same place right now as I was this morning when you started work feeling defeated, stressed over silly things, ate your lunch, felt intimidated, got excited, laughed, and walked home from work questioning&probing about your future. I haven’t gone anywhere. I am still in the same place–next to you.

Oh, to be next to the giver of grace. the breather of life. the bestower of royalty. the lover.

and because He is still standing here, unchanging, with me, all i have to do is step back in. turn again towards His face. chose Him again. set my gaze. and i am found once again. in His presence.

thank you, Father. oh, you delight in being reunited with your daughter. your children. thank you for always welcoming me back into your embrace. there is nothing like it. every time i enter again, i ask myself again, why did i ever leave?…

—

Tomorrow. Friday. is my last day at ANNASUI. its surreal, really.

over the past 20 days: my parents came to nyc. i saw Mary Poppins on broadway…wanted to faint from excitement. parents&i road-tripped to boston and saw my amazing brother, josh. met his cool friends. i bought amazing fabric from MOOD. got re-inspired and started sketching again for the first time since may (the culmination of my senior collection). worked hard at Anna. fell in love with creativity almost daily as i watched the new Resort 2011 collection unfold. most importantly–[[ i freaked out, calmed down, waited, pursued, prayed, prayed some more, cried, thought, thought harder, made lists, talked, processed, and asked the Lord what in the world my life is going to look like in the fall.]]

oh–the Lord has some kind of perfect timing on this one, because i am still unaware of what He is doing. i graduate in 16 days. i move back from nyc in 6 days. im seeking. patiently. more on “the next chapter of leslie’s life” soon.

but, as i have been seeking the Lord on the future, as well as a number of other issues that have been brought up in my heart& in my life, i caught myself feeling a bit humiliated. feeling as if my life is on a dvd that everyone is watching. seeing my biggest mistakes. my dumb moments. my embarrassing habits. my ridiculous train of thought…i was writing something of the like in my journal and i ended with:

“a good reality check, i guess.”

ouch.

immediately i was convicted.

i knew i had written incorrectly.

the Holy Spirit prompted me and simultaneously i was given a new phrase to write:

["more like "eternity check."]

Jesus asked me, “Leslie, where are you really setting your sights?”

right then i knew…it was obviously not high enough. i knew that i had been hindering the work of the Lord in my heart…i was stunting my own growth and the voice of Jesus in my heart by allowing my eyes to look inward&outward (looking at people and myself) instead of setting my sights upward (towards Heaven. Jesus. Eternity.)

as this new reality sunk in i wrote:

“Jesus, you have a higher vision for me. i just need to get my eyes off of myself (disappointing), off of my desires (only confusing), and off of other people (only brings about comparison), and get them higher.

higher.

higher still.

keep going.

(once my eyes were as far back as i could until my neck hurt)–

t h  e   r       e.

finally. where my eyes should have been from the beginning–on my Father in Heaven. on my Jesus who loves me. on Heaven that has been promised me, where a house is being built for me, where wholeness and restoration to the Creator awaits me.

mmmmm. how much more refreshing is an eternity check than a reality check.

“reality check” hit like a brick taking me to the ground, too embarrassed to ever get up again.

“eternity check” lifted me up out of my humiliation and brought me up into kind correction and a new place of anointing that i might be restored and able to continue with more zeal to follow, obey, and walk, even run, again–with fulness of  joy and pleasures forevermore.

yeah, i think ill stick with eternity check.

reality–worldly correction that only crushes.

eternity–encouragement from YHWH that lifts.

who wants reality when i can have eternity? reality may wake me up, but it wont change me…it will only make me freak out…i want a check that will wake me up, but not crush me so as to be unchangeable. reality is freaky. eternity is exhilarating.

eternity. i can run a bit longer if that is my end.

and if i really think about it–in regards to my future–

if eternity is my sight’s end, i cannot go astray. if i follow the way that is leading towards [bringing God the most glory possible] i will walk in the will of my Father. there is no “wrong job” if Jesus is being made famous in the thing i am giving myself to. and that is ultimately all that matters to me. and more importantly–that is all that matters to Him.

what a release i just felt. a sigh of relief.

“Father, exalt your Son in my heart.”

if that can become the goal–rather than pleasing people, being happy, choosing perfectly, or not looking like a fool–then i will enter a future that i can bear, and that will ultimately bring God the most glory possible.

yes, Lord. that is my goal. exalt your Son in my heart&in my life. i dont care if i ever do anything of worth or say the right thing or choose the “right” job, if only i may love you and bring you the utmost glory with my life. be lifted up, God. i will not fear. i will not fear. only trust.

be lifted, God. be only lifted, and i shall be satisfied.

Lord, let my sights never be lower than your face. lower than eternity.

Let me see your face.

—

One day left at Anna. Jesus, make me what you will.

“He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will abide in the shadow of the Almighty.”

Amen. So be it.

i finally found a B&N near me, and now i go there almost every day to read, chill, and get some quiet. mmmmm. leslie surrounded by books= a peaceful and joyful les.

tonight, however, there are approximately 12978532268425 things speeding down the highway of my mind.

they should all be given tickets. then maybe i might be able to think clearly.

it is amazing to me how uneventful my daily activities can be, and yet somehow the number of things i am going through mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually are countless. i guess i would rather it this way.

how boring the life without the knowledge, love, and relationship with, jesus!

i would have nothing but work, eating, and sleeping. sick. unfulfilling.

things are a bit random today…if you havent already caught the wind draft of my oncoming thoughts. i apologize.

i feel like i am learning so much, that i dont know which to elaborate. my heart is being probed on all sides. im currently reading passion&purity by elisabeth elliot and hind’s feet on high places by hannah hurnard, silmultaneously…talk about a double wammy. i am also reading through Romans again…it gets me every time. in the process of memorizing chapter 8. my second favorite passage in all of Scripture.

i dont think ive ever said my favorite passages of Scripture. i dont know about you, but im pretty clear on my top 12 (12, not 10, because its my fav number. ha). listing these might help you to get a more comprehensive grasp on what comes out of my head&heart on this blog.

In order with most favorite first:

001. Psalm 84

002. Romans 8

003. Hebrews 12 (really, all of chp. 10-13)

004. John 14-15

005. Psalm 16

006. Acts 2

007. 1 Corinthians 13

008.Psalm 119

009. Isaiah 61

010. Matthew 6-7

011. James 1

012. 2 Corinthians 4

lately–the Word is all ive had to cling to. when i can’t hear His voice…i know i can go there and find rest. its the only way to bring my emotions down to earth and see what is really going on [and its usually less dramatic than i think].

lately, my emotions have been waging war with my spirit within me.

entangling me in the inter-workings of my unreasonable mind. paralyzing me from hearing&responding to the Holy Spirit inside of me. trying to lessen the pressing of my ‘inner must.”

This afternoon I was on lunch break, and really struggling to hear and respond to truth. I was beating myself up on the inside over all the seemingly dumb&immature things i was thinking. loathing the way my mind was working. it was miserable. the last thing i wrote in my journal before i left to go back to work was:

[[i just need more, Lord. i need to know your love for me so much deeper--where it cuts through my currently cold, stone, unresponsive heart. i need you to plant the seed of love into my heart so i can journey with you to the high places.]]

as i started my 4 block-walk back to the office, the Lord began to speak…

“Leslie–you know my love. You’ve seen my love. You’ve trusted my love. Trust me again, beloved. Choose again. You can do it. Just keep choosing. Look into my eyes that burn with fiery love for you. I won’t let you down. I won’t draw out your heart.

Do not presume upon the shortcomings of my grace&love.

They are more than enough to cover every failure. Every evil thought. Every place that doesnt quite yet measure up.

I’m going to marry you.

Don’t forget.“

in essence, the Father was saying to me, how dare i assume that He only loves me if i do everything right, or that His grace isnt big enough to cover my every indiscretion? out of His lavish grace, He gave His son for me–so I could be free of my bondage to self&sin…not so i could soak&sulk in it. it was for freedom He set me free!!! And not only His son, but He “has also put his seal on us and given us His Spirit in our hearts as a guarantee.” Because Jesus left, the Holy Spirit was able to come, and lives&works inside of me…

when did I forget that?

why do i ever doubt that?

just because i stumble?… just because i blow it?… that doesn’t nullify the faithfulness of God. Even “if we are faithless, he remains faithful–for he cannot deny himself.”

i have given Him my heart. i have made my vow. He knows my thoughts and the true intentions of my heart. there’s no reason to go backwards, when He has already promised that He isn’t going anywhere. he says, “Leslie, it’s okay…just keep running.”

my stake is already in the ground. ive chosen the narrow way, and there’s no going back.

i just need the Holy Spirit to train my inner spirit to step out in front of my flesh&emotions when they get discontent and unsatisfied, starting to yearn for attention&affection. See–my spirit knows the truth. my spirit is so full of memories&reminders of the love, mercy, grace, & faithfulness (those are in that order for a reason) of the Father, displayed through Jesus and his death&resurrection on the cross, that it sees no comparison when the questions arise…am i loved? am i known? am i favored?

with my spirit, the answer, even when painful or not always fully believed, is always YES.

my flesh, however, so easily forgets…it knows nothing of patience–only of the next quickest way to pleasure and satisfaction, even if merely fleeting.

but my spirit–

my spirit knows that welcoming&embracing the little stings, and letting them have their full effect, will eventually  usher in the most amazing pleasure and joy. it knows that if it can just last through the night, the morning will come.

elisabeth elliot (jim elliot’s wife) says this in passion&purity:

“a little quiet reflection will remind me that a yes to God always leads in the end to joy. We can absolutely bank on that.”

my spirit is set on the Holy Spirit. learning to have the mind&heart of Christ. my flesh just needs to learn to get with the program. this brings to mind 1 Corinthians 9:24-27 which says:

“Do you not know that in a race all the runners compete, but only one receives the prize? So run that you may obtain it. Every athlete exercises self-control in all things. They do it to receive a perishable wreath, but we an imperishable. So I do not run aimlessly; I do not box as one beating the air. But I discipline my body and keep it under control…”

i do not fight boxing aimlessly at the air.

through the Holy Spirit, i can discipline&train my body to resist the swaying noise of my emotions, and to respond to the voice of God. the kind, gentle, ever-faithful, patient Shepherd.

Lord, let my lovesick-ness be transformed into a desire for more of you. This is a longing you will always fulfill. this is a hunger you will always satisfy. this is a thirst you will always quench.

“I will embrace the ache of a lovesick heart.”

this is a line from Jon Thurlow’s song, Mourning for the Bridegroom. Jesus–let me embrace the stings. embrace the aching beats of my flesh heart that just want to be appeased for 5 minutes. Lord, teach me to give up the 5 minutes, for the eternal, lasting satisfaction that is to come.

increase my pain tolerance–that i might not give up when it stings too much. or when it has ached for too long. or when it hurts so that i just want to give up.

i just need to heed the “little deaths,” as elliot discusses in P&P.

“When the will of God crosses the will of man, somebody has to die. Life requires countless “little” deaths–occasions when we are given the chance to say no to self and yes to God.”

in those moments when longings are aroused, i am given the opportunity to lay them down for the hope&promise of the “better” Jesus has to offer.

oh, this revelation has so many different applications in my life right now…Lord, let this have its full effect. i want you.

YOU.

“I’ve told the Lord I want to be an obedient servant [above all else], and He shot back, “Are are you willing to face grief and pain or whatever it takes for me to make you that?” Even though I felt unable, I said, “What choice do I have? I know too much to drop the ball now. There’s no turning back.” I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t afraid. Be He has brought me this far and already my joy is unspeakable.”

another week down at Anna. a good week. i have less and less to report because things are becoming more normal the longer im here. work in general, is a completely different kind of tiring than college. i come home every night exhausted and ready to sleep by 9:30. ha. i wasnt even phased by 9:30 in college…more like 2:30am. but, yes–Anna is going good. i love the people i get to work with, and i still see Anna from time to time. we’ve started fitting for the new collection this week (resort 2011), so its exciting to be working with a whole new batch of styles. if you go to style.com, and look up Anna Sui, Resort 2011, you can see the new line and see all the pieces ive been working on.

as great as things are at Anna, im still questioning a lot if this is really where i want to be…

and by that i dont mean at anna sui for the summer, i mean in the fall and past then. nyc.

im not sure if nyc is really for me. but…thats for another entry.

back to the current ending week:

the Lord really took this lesson of “knowing vs. feeling” thing to a whole other level in the past 9 days.

ive been really learning not to listen to my flesh when i feel condemned or unworthy, but to trust in the words of the Father that say, “for you did not receive a spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the spirit of adoption as sons…and if sons, then heirs–heirs with God and fellow heirs with Christ…”

His words are more than enough to lift me up out of the mire and set me on a level path again.

thank you, Lord.

but in the past week, ive also encountered another obstacle–dryness and distraction.

it is a season that we must all go through at some point…though im sure this has been bred from trying to fight the busy-ness and noise of this city and my life here.

in my times with the Lord, lately, it has been hard to stay focused, and I haven’t really been feeling much from the Spirit, and though the Word is still rich, i have had trouble truly applying it so that it changes my attitude and my schedule.

last friday i decided to take an entire evening with the Lord. i was alone in the house, and wanted to make the most of it. so i pulled out all connections to the world, and i just sat and worshipped.

listened.

prayed.

waited.

…

and got nothing.

i mean, we all have those times. and probably for most of us, we experience more of that than we do times of rich feeling and transformation…but in the hours i spent sitting in His presence, i literally felt that i had gotten nothing out of it.

this is not to say that it was wasted time. a day in His courts is always, always better than a thousand elsewhere. it just stinks sometimes when you feel as if you have given all you could, and you leave not feeling as if you have been drastically changed.

since then, i have been asking God what this meant. why i felt so dry, even though i have been trying to meet with him…and this is where he brought the knowing and feeling thing to my mind once again…but this time in a different way. and as He spoke, i realized:

its not just about not believing lies-

its about choosing the Lord even when i dont feel it–because i know he said he would meet with me.

to expand this more:

i have recently become obsessed with missionary biographies and diaries.

names such as:

jim elliot, amy charmichael, and david brainerd.

i just finished reading shadow of the almighty, and i just bought a chance to die and the life and diary of david brainerd.

shadow of the almighty. literally. changed. my. life.

jim elliot writes in a way that i could never even think. its taken me almost 2 months just to finish the book because i would go back and re-read chapters because i hadnt fully soaked in its depth. he was so fully given to the kingdom that nothing else mattered. he laid down family, friends, and even marriage so that he could stand before the Lord with nothing in his hands but a deep set desire to take the gospel to south america. (but more on jim elliot later…i could write an entire entry alone just on how his writings have changed me).

elliot’s diaries reveal that even people who abandon their lives for the gospel’s sake sometimes have dry times where they dont feel like meeting with God.

elliot wrote this just after college in a much mundane waiting period before going to south america:

“deserted all morning. much time on my knees, but no fervency or any desire for prayer. no heed or hearkening in the study of the Word, either. what good are Greek, commentaries, insight, gift, and all the rest, if there is no heart for Christ? oh what slackness i feel in me now. wasted half a day. was to have spoken in chapel again at the christian high school, but because of snow the school was closed. good thing–i had nothing to say to the kids anyhow.”

then, a month later he journaled this:

“difficulty in getting anything at all from the Word. no fervency in prayer. disturbance in the house, cold weather, and occasional headaches have made spiritual things less precious this whole week. i find i must drive myself to study, following the ‘ought’ of conscience to gain anything at all from the Scripture, lacking any desire at times. it is important to learn respect and obedience to the ‘inner must’ if godliness is to be a state of soul within me. i may no longer depend on pleasant impulses to bring me before the Lord. i must rather respond to the principles i know to be right, whether i feel them to be enjoyable or not.“

this thought process was a revelation to me. i had never heard someone actually voice this struggle who was actively seeking to press through. i think, as a Christ-follower, i always knew i should spend time with the Lord whether i liked it or not…but i didnt realize the depth to which it mattered whether i gave up or not.

last friday–after spending hours in His presence and feeling nothing, i got distracted and gave up–turning instead to barnes&noble to buy books (so much more appeasing…not). it was later that night that the jim elliot quote came to my mind, and it finally made sense.

—

its not about the feeling. its about the principle.

over my 16 years with the Lord, but especially in the past four years of college, ive been building a history of time with the Lord…developing a structure of getting up every morning (still working on it, trust me) and getting in His presence. soaking in the Word. praying. waiting.

but the longer i am here in nyc, away from home, and away from my tight-knit community of people who all also have the structure of getting up in the morning and spending time with Jesus, i am realizing that what i am creating is so much more than a simple structure or routine. i have been developing a value system. a principal. a way of life that i know to be right because of the fruit ive seen from it in the past. (my college pastor explained this concept once…its finally hitting home.) yes, for a long time “getting up and spending time with Jesus” has been a structure that i learned to apply to my life…but now that i am away from the culture of this structure…the value system of spending time with Jesus is being tested.

value system meaning– when im “too tired,” or “dont have time,” or no one else around me is doing it, or when i feel nothing…

will i still choose to give of my time (such a small price in comparison…how dare i say no with the excuse of time…when time is God’s anyway?…), my heart (also God’s), and my mind, body, and emotions, to talk with the Father?

will i rely on the ‘inner must’ rather than the possible excuses?

because, here’s the thing:

the question is not, “how much will i have to give up?”–but rather, “how badly do i want to know Jesus?”

because if my question is the latter, the first is of no concern. if i truly want jesus, the cost is non-negotiable. its everything.

and its worth it.

time has proven that to me. people have proven that for me. the value and richness of jim elliot’s Heavenly reward and legacy left on earth has proven that to me.

spending time with God is not always going to feel good. i may often, like last friday, feel nothing at all…

but Jesus still has good for me. and all He asks of me is that i tarry a little while longer with Him. just sit a minute longer. 5. 10. just wait. it will all be worth it in the end. the reward is worth the small sacrifice. and really, the more i tarry…the less of a “sacrifice” it becomes as i learn to delight in waiting patiently for Him to come.

this is the wonderment and almost disturbing faithfulness of jim elliot and the rest alike:

they never gave up when the feeling wasnt there but they tarried through the non-desire relying instead on the principles of faith that have been tried and proven true.

they met with jesus–regardless.

THIS is why they were able missionaries. not because of their speaking abilities, or willingness to live in third-world countries, or willingness to look like fools–

it was their consistent choices to meet with the Father, even and especially when there seemed “no one to meet with”.

they didnt trust their own mind, heart, or emotions–they trusted the voice of Jesus, and the impelling pressing of the Holy Spirit. and even when it seemed there was no voice and no help from the Spirit-they still chose faith. practice. reading the Word.

they tarried.

they sat unmoved until jesus showed up.

and still when he didnt-they sat there any way.

mundane life, dry heart, exhaustion, confusion…all pailed in comparison.

“And let us not grow weary in doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up.”

i choose to tarry in sowing, Lord. and ill leave the harvest to you.

this is what i know (i.e.–what im choosing to trust rather than relying on my feelings/emotions):

jesus sees me.

He desires for me to enjoy my life&job in nyc. He’s not out to make things too hard for me.

He is bound and determined to show me how intimate and close He can be while im at work.

NYC is a small world.

seriously.

i can have community here.

its okay to want to be alone for 5 minutes.

i dont need to be afraid of the lifestyle i live…and how different it is from others.

Jesus is for me.

the Holy Spirit wants to move in and through me.

the Father wants me to see that He knows me. knows what i like. what i need. the little things.

Jesus saw the cross (and me) as the joy set before Him–He gladly took on the cross, so I can surely gladly take on His yoke.

whatever i encounter–its not that bad.

Jesus promises to speak even amidst the constant noise.

im not in all this alone.

i am loved. i am known.

i am being interceded for.

im going to make it.

“Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily entangles. and let us run with perseverance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the author and perfector of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured from sinners such hostility against himself. so that you do not grow weary or fainthearted.”

you are the joy set before me–Jesus. i can make it.

i can more than make it.

but i dont.

week 4 at ANNA went great. feel like im finally acclimating to the culture. im a regular. ha.

getting closer to the interns in my department=wonderful.

wishing i could be more of a thermostat instead of a thermometer.

working on it.

personally, however, life is hard.

the good thing is, though, that i had a great revelation from the Lord about my life and my character this week. and though its not an easy word, it is inviting me on a journey of discovering how to meet with him on a daily basis as i enter this new season of life that is extremely uncertain….

my resolve for the next weeks ahead is this:

[[i will live out of that which i know, not out of that which i merely feel.]]

the know= truth&promises from His Word

the feel= my up&down, fleeting, momentary emotions&flesh

the implications of this resolve are countless. i have already had to impose this phrase on myself a number of times this week and even twice today already. its good. its hard, but its good.

some accompanying passages from the Word that have put this into perspective are:

Psalm 73:23-26

“Nevertheless, I am continually with you; you hold my right hand. You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will receive me into glory. Whom have I in heaven but you? And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.“

Romans 7&8. (a little long to quote, but here are some exerts)

“For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. For I do not do the good I want, but he evil I do not want, this I keep on doing…“

“To set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace. For the mind that is set on the flesh is hostile to God, for it does not submit to God’s law; indeed it cannot. Those who are in the flesh cannot please God.“

“For in this hope we are saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience.“

“And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.“

“What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things?”

i am going to memorize Romans 8. i think if i look back to a blog that was around this exact time last year, last summer in Italy, i remember that Romans 8 spoke much needed truth to me then, too. HAHA. perfetto.

sorry i dont have more explanations and cool stories.

i am a little dry this week. but praise Jesus, the Father is always rich with good. I will cling to this:

He is unchanging…i am the changing one.

this, i know.

im hitting that point where i realize my time in nyc is almost half over. it scares me to think that i have wasted my time sulking in my failures, listening to emotions&flesh, when really theyre just lying to me anyway…

but that is something i feel.

and when i chose to listen to the “feel” instead of the “know,” i am saying that i dont trust the voice of Jesus enough to embrace the discomfort or uncertainty that surrounds me and know that he isnt unaware of my fears.

and the thing is: the feel never speaks of truth…it allows perceived truth to outweigh real truth. the feel is always changing according to my perceived truth of others around me, while the know clings to the unchanging character of my God.

Graham Cooke said this:

[We can never trust in what God is doing. We can only be secure in who He is.]

the feel is “others” centered, but the know is  God-centered. the feel is “circumstances” centered, while the know is “character” centered. [others&circumstances] will always change and confuse me—but [God’s character] is unchanging, as sure as the rising and setting of the sun. this is why trusting the know is so much more worthwhile than trusting the feel.

if i spend my life listening to the feel: others&circumstances, i will always try to figure what i did wrong, and why i failed, and, and, and…

its exhausting.

but if i will but trust in the know: His unchanging character, i can find rest in the truth that promises to uphold me. to lift me up above my fears and uncertainties.

for the rest of my life i will struggle with this feeling vs knowing. its the flesh versus the truth, the temporal versus the eternal, the world versus the kingdom.

this is where another one of my favorite passages comes into play. and gives me hope&strength:

“For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when the perfect comes, the partial will pass away…For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known. So now, faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.“

i feel now.

but soon i will know.

but for now (and especially the next 6 weeks in nyc), i trust the “know” of the Word that gives me promise of what is to come.

no matter what i have or don’t have, what my life looks like in comparison to others, how exciting or extremely mundane my lot may seem…i know–his boundary lines&lots have fallen for me in pleasant places. indeed, i have a beautiful inheritance. i have set Him always before me; because He is at my right hand, i will not be shaken…

“Therefore my heart is glad and my whole being rejoices; my flesh also dwells secure. For you will not abandon my soul to Sheol, or let your holy one see corruption. You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand there are pleasures forevermore.”

since my last post, my beautiful Jesus has spoken quite powerful and transforming things that have changed my perspective on this summer thus far. He has even gone as far to speak into my identity (again&again—i can never get enough) and reveal to me once again that He loves me and knows me better than anyone ever could. He alone knows the way to my heart.

Anna has been going better—though, i only worked three days this week. one of my best friends and roommate, Brittany Wixsom, got married on friday. because of this momentous and wonderful union, i flew home for the weekend. this, surprisingly, ended up being an extremely powerful weekend for me, spiritually (though, not surprising, i guess—i mean, why wouldnt God chose to speak at a wedding? its a physical picture of the joining of ourselves to Him…theres no better time, really)

all of this, needless to say, the past week has transformed some things inside of me, and i am seeing myself, as well as the Triune God, very differently.

———–

as i was spending time with Jesus in the morning a while back, He revealed this beautiful, refreshing picture to me…but at the time i received it, i didn’t fully the comprehend its meaning. its taken me some time to process it…but now after a number of events and conversations with my community and the Father, i have been deeply encouraged by it as a picture of the promises of a faithful and merciful God who does not remember my sins or my shame, but instead tosses them as far as the east is from the west. oh, Jesus. Savior, you are deserving of praise.

the picture:

i see a picture of me in a wedding dress. beautifully white. but there appear dark black spots on it—looking as if it were now a black&white polka-dotted dress…or a dalmatian. the spots represent my sin…and see, i was originally white, but now sin has begun to invade me.

marking me.

calling me out.

calling me on my screw-ups.

but then Jesus comes in and begins to remove the spots—easily.

as if they were just stickers on a piece of paper.

and here, i thought the black spots were dyed into my dress (permanent as opposed to just “stuck on me”).

“Dont worry, Leslie” Jesus says, “they are just spots. spots that are trying to falsely accuse you and incorrectly identify you.”

“Those arent who you really are. I made you. I know you.

“I know your true intentions.”

i am the “taker away-er” of the spots.

they are no longer there.

now look upon me in your pretty white. don’t hide. for that is how i see you.

my spotless bride.

oh, the number this vision did on me.

what a peace to know this is how my Father, the Bridegroom looks at me.

He is not over in the corner, tallying up my mistakes and sins. He, in fact, is tossing them out one by one.

i am the one holding onto them.

so every time i messed up last week at work, when i thought i was failing, and that Jesus was disappointed in me, He was actually crying out to me—“Leslie, I know that isnt who you really are!! Dont let them make you think you have gone too far! or said too much. or made too many mistakes. Let me be the one to define you. Let me tell you who you really are.”

i all but melted onto the floor.

similarly:

my dear friend and discipler sent me a text me not too many days after i received this picture and her text even further set this revolutionary truth inside me. She heard Psalm 139 for me (which, unknowingly to her, Jesus uses consistently in my life to speak deep identity into me—thanks, Rachel—way to hear Jesus). in this passage verses 7-12 speak powerfully to the inability of us, as children of God, to be separated from our Father:

“Where shall I go from your Spirit? Or where shall I flee from your presence? If I ascend to Heaven, you are there! If I make my bed in Sheol (hell), you are there! If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, even there your hand shall hold me. If I say, “Surely the darkness shall cover me, and the light about me be night,” even the darkness is not dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light with you.”

so even if I make my bed in hell—He will not leave me. what a promise. even my worst sin or greatest struggle will not keep Him from me. i cannot understand or comprehend this, but God is offering me redemption that knows no bounds. so what can i do but receive it wholeheartedly? in His kindness, that consistently leads me to repentance (repentance, not just empty apologies), He is gracious enough to receive me back.

every.

time.

Jesus has basically just said the same thing twice.

and theres a reason. i havent gotten it yet.

oh to know a Father, a God, that not only loves me enough to remove the sin, but desires my complete freedom enough to forget my sins. this is the difference between me and God (among a million others, ha.)—i focus on my failures; Jesus focuses on the successes since my failures. im always counting the number of times i blew it; He is rejoicing at the number of times i took even one step forward. i am paralyzed at the mere thought of my sin compared to God’s holiness—and while He appreciates this kind of fear—His desire is not for me to shrink back in light of His holiness—but to step into His abundant grace and provision. because—His deepest desire is for me to now also be made Holy. i mean, He has already called me righteous. how dare i deny His invitation?

i am often easily overwhelmed at the heaviness and shame of my sin. i hate it. i cant stand that i let silly and unsatisfying and mere momentary, fleeting things come between me and the best thing that has ever happened to me. its a heavy weight to carry…but thats just it:

i wasnt meant to bear such a thing. as God has now clearly communicated to me twice: Leslie, you are without blemish. you are clean. there is no great evil thing that you can do that would keep me from you. i claim you. then, now, and forever.

this changes everything.

don’t worry—there is more where all that came from:

Dean&Brittany’s wedding.

first of all—theyve been together for 8 years. yes. since 9^th grade. you can now close your jaws that are hanging open.

second of all: they are ten times cooler than ill ever be. and they wouldnt believe me.

thirdly—they LOVE Jesus. and at their wedding, they told everyone there that they love Jesus.

so the whole day was wonderful, beautiful…emotional. Bri was gorgeous. Dean looked pretty spiffy. the ceremony brought me to tears (which doesnt happen too often).

but—this is the thing that got me about Brittany’s wedding:

vows.

a familiar concept. and it wasnt just the fact that they were repeating promises back&forth (though it was during these declarations that i had this revelation). there is just something about vows and the words couples chose to define their marriage. theyre not just words. theyre not even just emotions.

they are choices.

each phrase is a choice Brittany&Dean are making. In these vows, they are pledging every day to be these things to each other—no matter how they are feeling. why? because they love each other. because Jesus is worth the giving of their lives to spend the rest of their days allowing their partnership to further the kingdom. because, here’s the thing: marriage was never THE goal for Brittany&Dean. Jesus is. marriage is a reward of the choices theyve both made consistently to run after Jesus, no matter the cost. and they got married, because they were both running at the same pace. both seeking the same prize.

so here’s what hit me: Jesus, what are the vows ive made to you?

and.

have i kept them? really?

and after much wrestling—

[[this is my resolve: i like my life. but i love Jesus. Jesus has redeemed me from the deepest pit of sin and darkness, and raised me up into His glorious light—and as i have learned recently: i am no longer covered with spots…]]

I AM NO LONGER COVERED WITH SPOTS.

this wonderful Father has come and redeemed me just as the kinsmen redeemer in Ruth. and there is nothing i can do that would put so many spots on me that Jesus would ever turn away. and though the world is nice, my desire is for my redeemer. and—His desire is for me. a love such as this deserves my whole heart. my whole life. the entirety of my affections and emotions. i have no where better to go than into the safe and secure embrace of Him who redeemed me as His bride. Jesus has vowed to never give up on me. to see His work in me through to completion. He is committed to my 100% healing from every small struggle to even the unthinkable sins. what a peace this security brings inside me. and what a fire that it kindles under me. unquenchable. what an insatiable hunger that has risen in me to truly know and love Jesus. He is making himself available.

the pastor at my church here said this last week, and it struck me:

“Grace doesn’t make God small—it just makes Him accessible.”

and i want to give my life to passionately and purposefully “accessing” the richness of my redeemer. i want to offer my vow–as he offered His.

oh Jesus—just as Ruth declared to Naomi, and Brittany declared to Dean, so now do i vow to you at the threshing floor of your house:

“For where you go I will go, and where you stay, I will stay. Your people shall be my people, and your God my God.”

as you have therefore joined me to yourself, let no man and no earthly or sinful thing separate. nothing.

here i am, Abba—spotless and lowly submitted at your feet. have your way in me.

I DO.

i apologize for not posting in the last week. why, you ask?

the nutshell answer: it was a hard week.

the “short answer” answer (you know like when teachers give a “short answer” question on a test, but really they want you to write like 3 paragraphs…): it was a hard, exhausting, confusing week that tested my faith, character, attitude, patience, and humility. ANNA (work) gave me a 2×4 to the head. the Lord put me through the fire for a hard and thorough refining. and my flesh put up a fight to keep me from hearing Jesus in trying to process it all. it was unfortunately in stark contrast to my wonderful, exciting 1st 5 days at Anna last week…

the full out “here’s what happened” version: keep reading.

here’s the thing–in the past 8 days 2 major things have happened. its weird–weird because last sunday/monday was great, and today, sunday, was great…but the two slices of “great” bread were sandwiched around a really hard week at work…4 days that had me questioning more than just my skills in fashion…

thats something im still working on. so, if this all seems really jumbled, i apologize…its still jumbled in my mind. im an external processor, so sometimes it takes me writing things out or saying them out loud to start recognizing the significance and hear what jesus is communicating. oh, open my ears, sweet jesus. your voice is sweeter than any other. Father, quiet my mind that i may know the tender, kind, and merciful way of your whisper. Holy Spirit–enlarge the chambers of my heart, that i may cling to the vine, and not to my flesh.

so, join with me, friends, in hearing the Father speak…

starting with last sunday:

ive been excited to find a church home/community to give my life to while im here…two friends gave me some cool places to try out. 001: Hillsong Church (they just planted one in NYC). legit, im sure. 002: Apostles Church–apparently similar to Antioch (my church in waco). on sunday morning, i googled the churches and realized that Apostles Church was just a couple of blocks from our apartment! perfect. lindsay came with me, and we walked there. they hold their service on the 4th floor of the “czech center”–as we were getting on the elevator, some other people joined us–they seemed so pleasant and kind, and they were all talking to each other…like a breath of fresh air in a city full of people all focused on getting from A-B. walking into the service was like stepping into a seemingly different city…i had somewhat forgotten what community looks like. oh–beloved, it is the way we were meant to live. there is no other way that breeds life into the people of God. the service started, and we had come on what they were calling “Trinity Sunday” where they were taking the day to remember that we serve a three-personed God. ummm. legit. worship was so intimate, reverent, somewhat low-key but not at all devoid of passion for jesus (and the Father and Holy Spirit). this guy came up to pray afterward–such a raw, hopeful, desperate prayer that literally cried what my heart was attempting to muster.

[what struck me: he knew the word of God. not a memorized knowledge. a "this is my fill of each day and without it im lost" kind of knowledge. those are my favorite prayers...when you know the person praying has spent time with the Father on the mercy seat, and has hidden the Word in their hearts so deep, that those are the only words they pray. Teach me, Lord, to pray like this. It is the hungry and thirsty that will be satisfied, and it is the pure in heart that will see God.]]

then…even after the prayer of my heart was spoken…God came and threw a consuming fire on my heart:

the pastor came up and explained that he knew there were a number of girls in the congregation that work in fashion. one of them, named Brennan, had decided to get them all together, and the previous week they had gotten together to discuss their jobs–the hardships, the difficulties, the joys and woes of trying to love jesus and work in fashion…

are you tracking with me????

if people know even a little about me–this is one of my biggest passions/burdens…and it was being voiced in a church that i was visiting for the first time…how perfectly jesus ordains each situation of my life–and often undisclosed to me.

but he didnt stop there.

then, the pastor explained that they, as a church, wanted to pray over all the women that worked in fashion, that Brennan had written out a prayer specifically for us…

my heart started beating faster.

they asked us to stand up. and she started praying.

ive never felt so covered in my life. literally the beats of my heart for this summer…the prayers ive prayed, the fears ive trusted away, the fleshly temptations of greed, individualism, and consumerism that ive owned up to…all being voiced, heard by the gracious Father–and my every insecurity melting away…ive never been so happy to be sweating…from the warm heat of the Holy Spirit moving in the room and dancing upon my heart. oh, how known i felt in that moment. as never before.

if nothing else–thus far, this summer was worth it for that two minute prayer that realigned my perspective with the Father’s heart for his people here in NYC. i love when the church takes on the burdens of their city. that was the thing i took away from this church more than anything else. they love the people of new york city–and they want every person to find their place here–as a part of the church, the body of Christ and a part of the kingdom of God–our King. in addition–the sermon was amazing–he’s been doing a series on Hebrews (one of my favs, no big), and he was preaching that day on Hebrews 12…mmmmm. He focused on a re-learning of true fear of the Lord…and what our lives should look like when we are truly faced with the “Trauma of Holiness” as he called it. it is still hitting me today. then, continuing the rad-ness, they end every sermon by taking communion, and worshipping. Oh–ive never felt so glad to be at church. after the first week of work, that was the most refreshing thing i could have experienced…and just to clarify–its not just the act of going to church that refreshed me…they meet in a small gym-like room…it was being surrounded by people who all wanted to meet with the presence of God. together. and get challenged and called to lay our lives down again for the better prize. together. and praise jesus with our hearts and lips. together.

this “together” thing is a recurring theme i think.

in a city full of individuals…(and i mean it…everyone is always walking by themselves…all trying to out walk each other. who can cross the street the fastest as the light turns. who can shove past the most people walking down the street. who can get on the subway the quickest…its exhausting. especially when you feel like if you dont join in that you wont survive…or fit in…), it seems radically deviant to live this way…and this people; this tribe is doing it. and boy–do i want to be a part.

as if that wasnt enough–on monday, my roommates and i found this great little park near our house, so we spent the beautifully windy [ ] memorial day picnic-ing in this park that overlooks the river–one of my favorite things to do…so im already enjoying my day, when i look up, and across the lawn i notice a number of families hanging out together…as a take a second look, lo and behold, it is the pastor from Apostles Church…he’s with some other men i recognized from the day before, and their wives and children…it was too random to be a coincidence. thanks, Lord. so i mustered up enough courage to walk over and introduce myself (i mean, what do i have to lose? i dont know anyone, so who cares if i look dumb?). come to find out, some of the elders in the church went to Baylor, and one of their wives has a sister, who not only is good friends with my roommate Rachel, but she was also in my freshman welcome week group two years ago!!! And yet again, today, as the pastor was preaching on hospitality, he began talking about a dear friend and mentor whose life changed his view of hospitality…and he said his name was John Meador…no worries, thats just my pastor at my church back home…NBD. What is this?! NYC–a small world…i never would have guessed.

but more than the coincidences–i could just feel something about this people. something that made me excited about joining in their race for the kingdom…i couldn’t wait to hear more.

i thanked jesus endlessly throughout the day…i couldn’t have even imagined a more life-giving weekend…

then tuesday came.

(herein begins the sandwich of hard week at work)

i dont really even have  a whole lot of specific situations to explain…i just messed up a lot.

tuesday mornings are “fitting days”–and the interns in my department are in charge of preparing for those fittings. there are a number of things that have to be done to prepare…and i thought i had done them all…but i get to work at 9, the fitting starting at 10, and realized there is one whole part i forgot to do…(it was the first fitting i was doing by myself)…i freaked out…the other intern doesn’t come in till 9:30, so we would only have 30 minutes to perfect everything by the time she got there…to add to it, the intern coordinator told me that there would be 3 new interns coming that morning right in the middle of the fitting, and i would need to train them…um, okay. breathe.

needless to say, it was a stressful day. the hard part wasnt even really the stress…it was how i responded to the stress–turning inward, reacting to the situation (instead of responding to God), and thinking selfishly, looking out for myself…instead of others…oh, it killed me from the inside out.

it outwardly manifested when the intern coordinator called and asked me some questions about how things were going in our department with all the interns (5 is a lot of interns for our department, so she was thinking of moving some people around, so she was asking my opinion…why, i dont know)…but somehow, i didnt respond rightly…and she got offended, and i think instead of my coming off as passionate, caring, and observant…i seemed very much like a brown-noser.

so for the next 2 days at work, i felt like i had messed up…failed big time. blown it. i was given somewhat mundane, meaningless jobs to do…i felt as if i was being punished for being a smarty-pants or something…i had never felt so misunderstood and so unneeded…so worthless.

i mean, i know i was still there–contributing. but it felt as if i was being ignored–purposefully shown that im not indispensable. that they can survive without me. now, i definitely dont feel that they should hold me in high regard or anything. i know im just an intern…and im not out for praise and acclamation–i know my working there is an amazing opportunity, and i exist to make their lives easier..and what i want is to serve more than anything…i think it was just hard to know that i care so much, and am so passionate about learning and helping in any way that i can…but instead…i was answering phone calls while all the other girls in my department were drafting patterns and taking out stitches. yes, answering phones=helpful and needed…it just felt like punishment. too analytical? probably. in the moment, however…it felt serious enough that it dug a hole in my head and drove me to tears on my lunch break…

do i know that jesus knows my true intentions? yes. that what he thinks is above the opinion and actions of others? yes. its just hard to know that the people you want to please are annoyed with you.

(this is one of the aspects of fashion that i continually struggle with: it is all based on performance and people’s perception of who you are as a person and as a designer–especially because its taken me time already to realize that jesus does not love me based on performace…so jesus’ approval isunconditional not changed by what i do and dont do, but the world’s approval is very conditional,changing with my every success or failure).

i felt a bit of reconciliation on friday, as the intern coordinator asked my opinion again, as if what i said before was helpful…or who knows. ive resolved, though, that i will not be swayed by every little thing she says or move she makes for or against me…otherwise ill drive myself crazy living off of performance for the next 8 weeks…which is not worth it no matter how much the world offers me. in the end performance will always fail me…because when the world comes into play…there is always someone better. i will always come up short. i will always be second best. praise jesus i will never be second best to the Father. I am His favorite. i have to keep trusting this promise. and here’s the thing about the whole “my skills being ignored” thing–this is not about me. oh, how i need to hear it again and again. i may not know why i was given mundane tasks–whether it was due to my behavior or words, or just another thing to do…but i consistently need to re-learn true humility and servant-hood. i am not here to be served–but to serve. if i am never postively recognized, i need to be okay with that. my name is not important–i am here to help keep Anna’s name…and more truthfully, my true goal, and higher vision, is to make Jesus’ name famous.

In the path of your judgements, oh Lord, we wait for you. For your name and your renown are the desire of our hearts.

conclusion:

was it the worst week ever? not at all.

was it rough? yes. and am i having a hard time forgiving myself, forgetting the mistakes of the past and pressing forward to week number three, starting tomorrow morning–a week covered in new mercies given by the Father? yes. i know and believe everything i just said–He HAS promised new mercies for every morning. i just need to receive them. release my clinched fists, Lord, that are trying to hold on to the failures of last week. your redemption is ready. your grace is a blanket with which to cover me. what the enemy has intended for evil–you have intended for good.

[[ive been squeezed into a tight and narrow space...but i know it will shave off only what i dont need and cant take with me if i want to go deeper with you. and theres no turning back in order to keep that stuff with me...i am only going forward. choosing death of flesh in exchange for breeding life of Spirit. jesus is separating the wheat from the chaff--and i want to be counted among the wheat that will be harvested...not the dead stuff that will just get thrown into the fire and burned.]]

im not sure why this week was so tough. but i know that jesus is good. and my resolve is to get into His Presence, get refreshed, re-envisioned, and sent out again tomorrow morning to give myself again to the calling of my life for the summer. i will not harden my heart to the voice of my Father. i will respond. i will cry aloud to the throne. i will put myself in a place of need, to where if God doesn’t show up–im toast. i will trust this place of uncertainty. because it is uncertain only to me. Jesus is fully certain in His plans. AMEN.

i love how hard the enemy works to try and thwart the plans of the Father…praise Jesus no matter how hard he tries–the victory always belongs to my God. the ruler of the world has no hold over the creator and the reigning King of the universe who is coming back again to rescue us to His side. oh, this is good news. this is what keeps me going every time im at my wits end, thinking i cannot press forward any more, or that i cannot press in any further…there is more. there is better. there is Jesus–and in just a little while longer He’s coming for me.

i think i just breathed for the first time in a week.

we sang this beautiful hymn in church this morning..i forgot how much i love it:

Great is thy faithfulness, oh God my Father//There is no shadow of turning with Thee//Thou changest not, Thy compassions they fail not//As Thou hast been, Thou forever will be//Great is Thy faithfulness//Great is Thy faithfulness//Morning by morning new mercies I see//All I hath needed Thy hand hath provideth//Great is Thy faithfulness Lord unto me//

oh, what peace it brings to rely on the “faith-full-ness” of the Father in my place of faith-less-ness.

my friend sent me this prayer earlier last week–it spoke no less than perfectly to my heart’s cry for today, and my summer here in new york. thank you for hearing jesus for me:

“Grant, O Lord my God, that I may never fall away in success or in failure; that I may not be prideful in prosperity nor dejected in adversity. Let me rejoice only in what unites us and sorrow only in what separates us. May I strive to please no one or fear to displease anyone except Yourself. May I seek always the things that are eternal and never those that are only temporal. May I shun any joy that is without You and never seek any that is beside You. O Lord, may I delight in any work I do for You and tire of any rest that is apart from You. My God, let me direct my heart towards You, and in my failings, always repent with a purpose of amendment.”

Amen, come, Lord Jesus.

p.s.–see [part.002]

lines that are consistently holding me up and enlarging my heart to hear the voice of jesus. especially today.

may they breed truth and rightness into your heart.

dancing in the downpour of His spirit,

les.

“come and take your place in the center of our hearts. come and take your place. it was made for you”

“there’s gonna be a wedding. its the reason that im living. to marry the lamb”

“behold, you delight in truth in the inward being, and you teach me wisdom in the secret heart…let me hear of joy and gladness; let the bones you have broken rejoice…create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me…Restore to me the joy of your salvation, and uphold me with a willing spirit.”

“for you will not delight in sacrifice, or i would give it. the sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despite.”

“beautiful mercy, do what you have to do.”

“when i was faithless, still you were faithful”

“grass will fade and flowers fall; mountains crumble beneath it all. and you stand there. unchanging. jesus–savior, in a world thats ever changing. you are faithful. forever the same. faithful is the son. so unchanging.”

“do not be deceived, my beloved brothers. Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change.”

“youre my good good shepherd. i shall not want. you satisfy my soul.”

“Oh, what love God has given me for them–Bob, Bill, and now Dave. What times we shall have, now and in His presence beyond, where looms no shade of terror! ‘Fear dissolved in blood.’ But still He waits, well knowing the Spirit’s cry, and the Bride’s and creation’s groan.”

“The pattern of my behavior is not set in the activities of those about me. Dont follow the example of those you left in the world, nor those you find in the church. rather, the law of God, found in His Word, shall be my standard, and as i see it, there are few examples of this sort of living anywhere.”

“Fix your eyes on the rising Morning Star. dont be disappointed at anything or over-elated, either. live every day as if the Son of Man were at the door, and gear your thinking to the fleeting moment. just how can it be redeemed? walk as if the next step would carry you across the threshold of Heaven. pray. that saint who advances on his knees never retreats.”

“God, i pray Thee, light these idle sticks of my life and may i burn up for Thee. Consume my life, my God, for it is Thine. i seek not a long life but a full one, like you, Lord Jesus.”

“Savior, i know Thou hast allowed me absolute liberty, to serve Thee, or to go my own way. i would serve Thee forever,  for i love my Master. i will not go out free. mark my ear, Lord, that it might respond only to Thy voice.”

“now may the God of peace himself sanctify you completely, and may your whole spirit and soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. He who calls you is faithful; He will surely do it.”

“God, teach me to hope and trust in your steadfast love–that i may be full in times of famine. let your steadfast love, O Lord, be upon me, even as i hope in you.”

“He’s carving out a place in me. that i might contain His glory. He’s making a bigger space in me, that i might contain His glory.”

“Oh that i might ‘apprehend that for which i also am apprehended’.”

“He who testifies to these things says, ‘Surely, I am coming soon.” Amen. Come, Lord Jesus!”

p.s.–what are your “lines” ?? i would love to hear them. seriously.

it is ridiculously hot here in NYC. and our apartment, again, a 6-floor walk up, has no A/C. Even though we have 5 fans running full blast, my roommate and i are still sweating…not like a couple of beads on my forehead–we’re talking dripping hot mess and soaked clothes…sick. (in this case, sick is a bad thing).

in other news–its been 3 days with ANNASUI–

and i seem to be holding my own. Yesterday was a mad house–we had fittings for a couple of garments, and part of my job is to prepare everything needed for the fittings–i wont bore you all with the details of preparation…i would have to use a lot of fashion lingo. but we’ll just say that there is a lot of things to do to prepare–

it was pretty cool getting to watch Anna work and make changes to the sample garments…especially since ive spent the last 4 years of my life doing the exact same thing…so seeing my favorite designer doing it was pretty legit.

today i got to trace patterns, which was great because i actually know how to do that…and towards the end of the day i got to rip out stitches from a garment…which  may seem extremely mundane to you readers–but let me correct you–i am getting to work on an ANNASUI garment…im helping make changes to something she is going to sell…yes, ridiculously rad.

even though there are a lot of interns…i am pleased so far with the amount of things i get to do.

but seriously–lets get down to the nitty gritty…

whats really going on…

well–im trying to learn how to love my fellow interns…more on that sometime.

im trying to hear what it looks like to live the kingdom while im here…especially since my routine every day so far is wake up, get dressed, run to the subway, work, subway back home, and dinner, and then crash into bed from exhaustion…there just isnt a whole lot of down time in there…

jesus–come and speak.

loud.

or teach me to be quiet–so i can hear.

when you whisper.

teach me to love.

teach me to be humble.

teach me to be clothed in kindness, compassion, gentleness, and patience.

teach me to be a woman of integrity.

how i long to hear jesus teach me each of those–he is a good teacher.

and a good Shepherd.

and because the Word of God is true, i know that as His sheep, i can hear his voice.

and i am given the grace to follow.

jesus, teach me to follow.

i know there is more–

he promised it.

so i resolve to believe it.

despite how i feel, and despite what i might think jesus thinks of me.

His word is my reality–not my up and down emotions.

AMEN.

one of my favorite lines from Laura Hackett:

“i will not build my life upon the passing sand–of how i feel inside from one moment to the next.”

yes, jesus.

come and sift through the things waging war in my mind and amidst my flesh.

you are true.

my flesh is the liar.

i trust you.

i look to you.

i say yes.

i follow.

ive made up my mind. no turning back. if i will but trust in you, ill have no lack.

sing me to sleep, oh gracious Papa.

p.s. and could you make it a little cooler in here? ((He works miracles…)