eternity check—

friends.

let’s all just take a moment.

wherever you are&whatever youre doing, im willing to bet that you might need a minute to just breathe and refresh. i know that after the day i had today–slash, the last 20 days or so since ive written, i definitely need it.

youre already reading. so take a minute. breathe.

HE IS HERE.

let that soak.

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there are those days…where only after you get home from work/school, walk in the door, unload all the stuff you were carrying (tangible and intangible), you sit down…and then…

then you come to and realize…i just completed a day.

everything all the sudden starts to sink in. you remember.

busy-ness. stress. chaos, maybe? possibly monotony. dryness. some laughter. some hurt.

what was it like for you today?

i know for me, it was kind of a roller-coaster of ups&downs.

but it is not until you let the day soak in (after its already been spent)…that you realize–

jesus, where were you?

of course, when we then examine our hearts…the true question arises–

jesus, where was i???

its as if i lived my life for the past 12 hours without realizing it. Father–did i even talk with you in the midst of my day? your Word of proven truth says i can and am made to abide in you throughout my day…where is the disconnect? why is it that i am finding myself so swayed by others’ perceptions of me? its like blinking once and realizing your life has been lived and youre just now catching up on DVR. or something.

but then a vision of grace passes before your eyes–and you remember–

just because i was all over the place today doesn’t mean God went anywhere. and as im sitting in B&N, letting the course of my day run across my hindsight, Jesus is reminding me:

Leslie, I haven’t gone anywhere. Im in the same place right now as I was this morning when you started work feeling defeated, stressed over silly things, ate your lunch, felt intimidated, got excited, laughed, and walked home from work questioning&probing about your future. I haven’t gone anywhere. I am still in the same place–next to you.

Oh, to be next to the giver of grace. the breather of life. the bestower of royalty. the lover.

and because He is still standing here, unchanging, with me, all i have to do is step back in. turn again towards His face. chose Him again. set my gaze. and i am found once again. in His presence.

thank you, Father. oh, you delight in being reunited with your daughter. your children. thank you for always welcoming me back into your embrace. there is nothing like it. every time i enter again, i ask myself again, why did i ever leave?…

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Tomorrow. Friday. is my last day at ANNASUI. its surreal, really.

over the past 20 days: my parents came to nyc. i saw Mary Poppins on broadway…wanted to faint from excitement. parents&i road-tripped to boston and saw my amazing brother, josh. met his cool friends. i bought amazing fabric from MOOD. got re-inspired and started sketching again for the first time since may (the culmination of my senior collection). worked hard at Anna. fell in love with creativity almost daily as i watched the new Resort 2011 collection unfold. most importantly–[[ i freaked out, calmed down, waited, pursued, prayed, prayed some more, cried, thought, thought harder, made lists, talked, processed, and asked the Lord what in the world my life is going to look like in the fall.]]

oh–the Lord has some kind of perfect timing on this one, because i am still unaware of what He is doing. i graduate in 16 days. i move back from nyc in 6 days. im seeking. patiently. more on “the next chapter of leslie’s life” soon.

but, as i have been seeking the Lord on the future, as well as a number of other issues that have been brought up in my heart& in my life, i caught myself feeling a bit humiliated. feeling as if my life is on a dvd that everyone is watching. seeing my biggest mistakes. my dumb moments. my embarrassing habits. my ridiculous train of thought…i was writing something of the like in my journal and i ended with:

“a good reality check, i guess.”

ouch.

immediately i was convicted.

i knew i had written incorrectly.

the Holy Spirit prompted me and simultaneously i was given a new phrase to write:

["more like "eternity check."]

Jesus asked me, “Leslie, where are you really setting your sights?”

right then i knew…it was obviously not high enough. i knew that i had been hindering the work of the Lord in my heart…i was stunting my own growth and the voice of Jesus in my heart by allowing my eyes to look inward&outward (looking at people and myself) instead of setting my sights upward (towards Heaven. Jesus. Eternity.)

as this new reality sunk in i wrote:

“Jesus, you have a higher vision for me. i just need to get my eyes off of myself (disappointing), off of my desires (only confusing), and off of other people (only brings about comparison), and get them higher.

higher.

higher still.

keep going.

(once my eyes were as far back as i could until my neck hurt)–

t h  e   r       e.

finally. where my eyes should have been from the beginning–on my Father in Heaven. on my Jesus who loves me. on Heaven that has been promised me, where a house is being built for me, where wholeness and restoration to the Creator awaits me.

mmmmm. how much more refreshing is an eternity check than a reality check.

“reality check” hit like a brick taking me to the ground, too embarrassed to ever get up again.

“eternity check” lifted me up out of my humiliation and brought me up into kind correction and a new place of anointing that i might be restored and able to continue with more zeal to follow, obey, and walk, even run, again–with fulness of  joy and pleasures forevermore.

yeah, i think ill stick with eternity check.

reality–worldly correction that only crushes.

eternity–encouragement from YHWH that lifts.

who wants reality when i can have eternity? reality may wake me up, but it wont change me…it will only make me freak out…i want a check that will wake me up, but not crush me so as to be unchangeable. reality is freaky. eternity is exhilarating.

eternity. i can run a bit longer if that is my end.

and if i really think about it–in regards to my future–

if eternity is my sight’s end, i cannot go astray. if i follow the way that is leading towards [bringing God the most glory possible] i will walk in the will of my Father. there is no “wrong job” if Jesus is being made famous in the thing i am giving myself to. and that is ultimately all that matters to me. and more importantly–that is all that matters to Him.

what a release i just felt. a sigh of relief.

“Father, exalt your Son in my heart.”

if that can become the goal–rather than pleasing people, being happy, choosing perfectly, or not looking like a fool–then i will enter a future that i can bear, and that will ultimately bring God the most glory possible.

yes, Lord. that is my goal. exalt your Son in my heart&in my life. i dont care if i ever do anything of worth or say the right thing or choose the “right” job, if only i may love you and bring you the utmost glory with my life. be lifted up, God. i will not fear. i will not fear. only trust.

be lifted, God. be only lifted, and i shall be satisfied.

Lord, let my sights never be lower than your face. lower than eternity.

Let me see your face.

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One day left at Anna. Jesus, make me what you will.

“He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will abide in the shadow of the Almighty.”

Amen. So be it.

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