the folly of presuming upon shortcomings.

thursday night. im sitting in barnes&noble. taking a Sabbath evening.

i finally found a B&N near me, and now i go there almost every day to read, chill, and get some quiet. mmmmm. leslie surrounded by books= a peaceful and joyful les.

tonight, however, there are approximately 12978532268425 things speeding down the highway of my mind.

they should all be given tickets. then maybe i might be able to think clearly.

it is amazing to me how uneventful my daily activities can be, and yet somehow the number of things i am going through mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually are countless. i guess i would rather it this way.

how boring the life without the knowledge, love, and relationship with, jesus!

i would have nothing but work, eating, and sleeping. sick. unfulfilling.

things are a bit random today…if you havent already caught the wind draft of my oncoming thoughts. i apologize.

i feel like i am learning so much, that i dont know which to elaborate. my heart is being probed on all sides. im currently reading passion&purity by elisabeth elliot and hind’s feet on high places by hannah hurnard, silmultaneously…talk about a double wammy. i am also reading through Romans again…it gets me every time. in the process of memorizing chapter 8. my second favorite passage in all of Scripture.

i dont think ive ever said my favorite passages of Scripture. i dont know about you, but im pretty clear on my top 12 (12, not 10, because its my fav number. ha). listing these might help you to get a more comprehensive grasp on what comes out of my head&heart on this blog.

In order with most favorite first:

001. Psalm 84

002. Romans 8

003. Hebrews 12 (really, all of chp. 10-13)

004. John 14-15

005. Psalm 16

006. Acts 2

007. 1 Corinthians 13

008.Psalm 119

009. Isaiah 61

010. Matthew 6-7

011. James 1

012. 2 Corinthians 4

lately–the Word is all ive had to cling to. when i can’t hear His voice…i know i can go there and find rest. its the only way to bring my emotions down to earth and see what is really going on [and its usually less dramatic than i think].

lately, my emotions have been waging war with my spirit within me.

entangling me in the inter-workings of my unreasonable mind. paralyzing me from hearing&responding to the Holy Spirit inside of me. trying to lessen the pressing of my ‘inner must.”

This afternoon I was on lunch break, and really struggling to hear and respond to truth. I was beating myself up on the inside over all the seemingly dumb&immature things i was thinking. loathing the way my mind was working. it was miserable. the last thing i wrote in my journal before i left to go back to work was:

[[i just need more, Lord. i need to know your love for me so much deeper--where it cuts through my currently cold, stone, unresponsive heart. i need you to plant the seed of love into my heart so i can journey with you to the high places.]]

as i started my 4 block-walk back to the office, the Lord began to speak…

“Leslie–you know my love. You’ve seen my love. You’ve trusted my love. Trust me again, beloved. Choose again. You can do it. Just keep choosing. Look into my eyes that burn with fiery love for you. I won’t let you down. I won’t draw out your heart.

Do not presume upon the shortcomings of my grace&love.

They are more than enough to cover every failure. Every evil thought. Every place that doesnt quite yet measure up.

I’m going to marry you.

Don’t forget.“

in essence, the Father was saying to me, how dare i assume that He only loves me if i do everything right, or that His grace isnt big enough to cover my every indiscretion? out of His lavish grace, He gave His son for me–so I could be free of my bondage to self&sin…not so i could soak&sulk in it. it was for freedom He set me free!!! And not only His son, but He “has also put his seal on us and given us His Spirit in our hearts as a guarantee.” Because Jesus left, the Holy Spirit was able to come, and lives&works inside of me…

when did I forget that?

why do i ever doubt that?

just because i stumble?… just because i blow it?… that doesn’t nullify the faithfulness of God. Even “if we are faithless, he remains faithful–for he cannot deny himself.”

i have given Him my heart. i have made my vow. He knows my thoughts and the true intentions of my heart. there’s no reason to go backwards, when He has already promised that He isn’t going anywhere. he says, “Leslie, it’s okay…just keep running.”

my stake is already in the ground. ive chosen the narrow way, and there’s no going back.

i just need the Holy Spirit to train my inner spirit to step out in front of my flesh&emotions when they get discontent and unsatisfied, starting to yearn for attention&affection. See–my spirit knows the truth. my spirit is so full of memories&reminders of the love, mercy, grace, & faithfulness (those are in that order for a reason) of the Father, displayed through Jesus and his death&resurrection on the cross, that it sees no comparison when the questions arise…am i loved? am i known? am i favored?

with my spirit, the answer, even when painful or not always fully believed, is always YES.

my flesh, however, so easily forgets…it knows nothing of patience–only of the next quickest way to pleasure and satisfaction, even if merely fleeting.

but my spirit–

my spirit knows that welcoming&embracing the little stings, and letting them have their full effect, will eventually  usher in the most amazing pleasure and joy. it knows that if it can just last through the night, the morning will come.

elisabeth elliot (jim elliot’s wife) says this in passion&purity:

“a little quiet reflection will remind me that a yes to God always leads in the end to joy. We can absolutely bank on that.”

my spirit is set on the Holy Spirit. learning to have the mind&heart of Christ. my flesh just needs to learn to get with the program. this brings to mind 1 Corinthians 9:24-27 which says:

“Do you not know that in a race all the runners compete, but only one receives the prize? So run that you may obtain it. Every athlete exercises self-control in all things. They do it to receive a perishable wreath, but we an imperishable. So I do not run aimlessly; I do not box as one beating the air. But I discipline my body and keep it under control…”

i do not fight boxing aimlessly at the air.

through the Holy Spirit, i can discipline&train my body to resist the swaying noise of my emotions, and to respond to the voice of God. the kind, gentle, ever-faithful, patient Shepherd.

Lord, let my lovesick-ness be transformed into a desire for more of you. This is a longing you will always fulfill. this is a hunger you will always satisfy. this is a thirst you will always quench.

“I will embrace the ache of a lovesick heart.”

this is a line from Jon Thurlow’s song, Mourning for the Bridegroom. Jesus–let me embrace the stings. embrace the aching beats of my flesh heart that just want to be appeased for 5 minutes. Lord, teach me to give up the 5 minutes, for the eternal, lasting satisfaction that is to come.

increase my pain tolerance–that i might not give up when it stings too much. or when it has ached for too long. or when it hurts so that i just want to give up.

i just need to heed the “little deaths,” as elliot discusses in P&P.

“When the will of God crosses the will of man, somebody has to die. Life requires countless “little” deaths–occasions when we are given the chance to say no to self and yes to God.”

in those moments when longings are aroused, i am given the opportunity to lay them down for the hope&promise of the “better” Jesus has to offer.

oh, this revelation has so many different applications in my life right now…Lord, let this have its full effect. i want you.

YOU.

“I’ve told the Lord I want to be an obedient servant [above all else], and He shot back, “Are are you willing to face grief and pain or whatever it takes for me to make you that?” Even though I felt unable, I said, “What choice do I have? I know too much to drop the ball now. There’s no turning back.” I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t afraid. Be He has brought me this far and already my joy is unspeakable.”