tarry awhile

another week flown by here in NYC.

another week down at Anna. a good week. i have less and less to report because things are becoming more normal the longer im here. work in general, is a completely different kind of tiring than college. i come home every night exhausted and ready to sleep by 9:30. ha. i wasnt even phased by 9:30 in college…more like 2:30am. but, yes–Anna is going good. i love the people i get to work with, and i still see Anna from time to time. we’ve started fitting for the new collection this week (resort 2011), so its exciting to be working with a whole new batch of styles. if you go to style.com, and look up Anna Sui, Resort 2011, you can see the new line and see all the pieces ive been working on.

as great as things are at Anna, im still questioning a lot if this is really where i want to be…

and by that i dont mean at anna sui for the summer, i mean in the fall and past then. nyc.

im not sure if nyc is really for me. but…thats for another entry.

back to the current ending week:

the Lord really took this lesson of “knowing vs. feeling” thing to a whole other level in the past 9 days.

ive been really learning not to listen to my flesh when i feel condemned or unworthy, but to trust in the words of the Father that say, “for you did not receive a spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the spirit of adoption as sons…and if sons, then heirs–heirs with God and fellow heirs with Christ…”

His words are more than enough to lift me up out of the mire and set me on a level path again.

thank you, Lord.

but in the past week, ive also encountered another obstacle–dryness and distraction.

it is a season that we must all go through at some point…though im sure this has been bred from trying to fight the busy-ness and noise of this city and my life here.

in my times with the Lord, lately, it has been hard to stay focused, and I haven’t really been feeling much from the Spirit, and though the Word is still rich, i have had trouble truly applying it so that it changes my attitude and my schedule.

last friday i decided to take an entire evening with the Lord. i was alone in the house, and wanted to make the most of it. so i pulled out all connections to the world, and i just sat and worshipped.

listened.

prayed.

waited.

…

and got nothing.

i mean, we all have those times. and probably for most of us, we experience more of that than we do times of rich feeling and transformation…but in the hours i spent sitting in His presence, i literally felt that i had gotten nothing out of it.

this is not to say that it was wasted time. a day in His courts is always, always better than a thousand elsewhere. it just stinks sometimes when you feel as if you have given all you could, and you leave not feeling as if you have been drastically changed.

since then, i have been asking God what this meant. why i felt so dry, even though i have been trying to meet with him…and this is where he brought the knowing and feeling thing to my mind once again…but this time in a different way. and as He spoke, i realized:

its not just about not believing lies-

its about choosing the Lord even when i dont feel it–because i know he said he would meet with me.

to expand this more:

i have recently become obsessed with missionary biographies and diaries.

names such as:

jim elliot, amy charmichael, and david brainerd.

i just finished reading shadow of the almighty, and i just bought a chance to die and the life and diary of david brainerd.

shadow of the almighty. literally. changed. my. life.

jim elliot writes in a way that i could never even think. its taken me almost 2 months just to finish the book because i would go back and re-read chapters because i hadnt fully soaked in its depth. he was so fully given to the kingdom that nothing else mattered. he laid down family, friends, and even marriage so that he could stand before the Lord with nothing in his hands but a deep set desire to take the gospel to south america. (but more on jim elliot later…i could write an entire entry alone just on how his writings have changed me).

elliot’s diaries reveal that even people who abandon their lives for the gospel’s sake sometimes have dry times where they dont feel like meeting with God.

elliot wrote this just after college in a much mundane waiting period before going to south america:

“deserted all morning. much time on my knees, but no fervency or any desire for prayer. no heed or hearkening in the study of the Word, either. what good are Greek, commentaries, insight, gift, and all the rest, if there is no heart for Christ? oh what slackness i feel in me now. wasted half a day. was to have spoken in chapel again at the christian high school, but because of snow the school was closed. good thing–i had nothing to say to the kids anyhow.”

then, a month later he journaled this:

“difficulty in getting anything at all from the Word. no fervency in prayer. disturbance in the house, cold weather, and occasional headaches have made spiritual things less precious this whole week. i find i must drive myself to study, following the ‘ought’ of conscience to gain anything at all from the Scripture, lacking any desire at times. it is important to learn respect and obedience to the ‘inner must’ if godliness is to be a state of soul within me. i may no longer depend on pleasant impulses to bring me before the Lord. i must rather respond to the principles i know to be right, whether i feel them to be enjoyable or not.“

this thought process was a revelation to me. i had never heard someone actually voice this struggle who was actively seeking to press through. i think, as a Christ-follower, i always knew i should spend time with the Lord whether i liked it or not…but i didnt realize the depth to which it mattered whether i gave up or not.

last friday–after spending hours in His presence and feeling nothing, i got distracted and gave up–turning instead to barnes&noble to buy books (so much more appeasing…not). it was later that night that the jim elliot quote came to my mind, and it finally made sense.

—

its not about the feeling. its about the principle.

over my 16 years with the Lord, but especially in the past four years of college, ive been building a history of time with the Lord…developing a structure of getting up every morning (still working on it, trust me) and getting in His presence. soaking in the Word. praying. waiting.

but the longer i am here in nyc, away from home, and away from my tight-knit community of people who all also have the structure of getting up in the morning and spending time with Jesus, i am realizing that what i am creating is so much more than a simple structure or routine. i have been developing a value system. a principal. a way of life that i know to be right because of the fruit ive seen from it in the past. (my college pastor explained this concept once…its finally hitting home.) yes, for a long time “getting up and spending time with Jesus” has been a structure that i learned to apply to my life…but now that i am away from the culture of this structure…the value system of spending time with Jesus is being tested.

value system meaning– when im “too tired,” or “dont have time,” or no one else around me is doing it, or when i feel nothing…

will i still choose to give of my time (such a small price in comparison…how dare i say no with the excuse of time…when time is God’s anyway?…), my heart (also God’s), and my mind, body, and emotions, to talk with the Father?

will i rely on the ‘inner must’ rather than the possible excuses?

because, here’s the thing:

the question is not, “how much will i have to give up?”–but rather, “how badly do i want to know Jesus?”

because if my question is the latter, the first is of no concern. if i truly want jesus, the cost is non-negotiable. its everything.

and its worth it.

time has proven that to me. people have proven that for me. the value and richness of jim elliot’s Heavenly reward and legacy left on earth has proven that to me.

spending time with God is not always going to feel good. i may often, like last friday, feel nothing at all…

but Jesus still has good for me. and all He asks of me is that i tarry a little while longer with Him. just sit a minute longer. 5. 10. just wait. it will all be worth it in the end. the reward is worth the small sacrifice. and really, the more i tarry…the less of a “sacrifice” it becomes as i learn to delight in waiting patiently for Him to come.

this is the wonderment and almost disturbing faithfulness of jim elliot and the rest alike:

they never gave up when the feeling wasnt there but they tarried through the non-desire relying instead on the principles of faith that have been tried and proven true.

they met with jesus–regardless.

THIS is why they were able missionaries. not because of their speaking abilities, or willingness to live in third-world countries, or willingness to look like fools–

it was their consistent choices to meet with the Father, even and especially when there seemed “no one to meet with”.

they didnt trust their own mind, heart, or emotions–they trusted the voice of Jesus, and the impelling pressing of the Holy Spirit. and even when it seemed there was no voice and no help from the Spirit-they still chose faith. practice. reading the Word.

they tarried.

they sat unmoved until jesus showed up.

and still when he didnt-they sat there any way.

mundane life, dry heart, exhaustion, confusion…all pailed in comparison.

“And let us not grow weary in doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up.”

i choose to tarry in sowing, Lord. and ill leave the harvest to you.

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