spots.002: the threshing floor.

Well, a week after the crazy&hard workweek the Lord really redeemed a lot of the insecurities and uncertainties inside me. Praise Him.

since my last post, my beautiful Jesus has spoken quite powerful and transforming things that have changed my perspective on this summer thus far. He has even gone as far to speak into my identity (again&again—i can never get enough) and reveal to me once again that He loves me and knows me better than anyone ever could. He alone knows the way to my heart.

Anna has been going better—though, i only worked three days this week. one of my best friends and roommate, Brittany Wixsom, got married on friday. because of this momentous and wonderful union, i flew home for the weekend. this, surprisingly, ended up being an extremely powerful weekend for me, spiritually (though, not surprising, i guess—i mean, why wouldnt God chose to speak at a wedding? its a physical picture of the joining of ourselves to Him…theres no better time, really)

all of this, needless to say, the past week has transformed some things inside of me, and i am seeing myself, as well as the Triune God, very differently.

———–

as i was spending time with Jesus in the morning a while back, He revealed this beautiful, refreshing picture to me…but at the time i received it, i didn’t fully the comprehend its meaning. its taken me some time to process it…but now after a number of events and conversations with my community and the Father, i have been deeply encouraged by it as a picture of the promises of a faithful and merciful God who does not remember my sins or my shame, but instead tosses them as far as the east is from the west. oh, Jesus. Savior, you are deserving of praise.

the picture:

i see a picture of me in a wedding dress. beautifully white. but there appear dark black spots on it—looking as if it were now a black&white polka-dotted dress…or a dalmatian. the spots represent my sin…and see, i was originally white, but now sin has begun to invade me.

marking me.

calling me out.

calling me on my screw-ups.

but then Jesus comes in and begins to remove the spots—easily.

as if they were just stickers on a piece of paper.

and here, i thought the black spots were dyed into my dress (permanent as opposed to just “stuck on me”).

“Dont worry, Leslie” Jesus says, “they are just spots. spots that are trying to falsely accuse you and incorrectly identify you.”

“Those arent who you really are. I made you. I know you.

“I know your true intentions.”

i am the “taker away-er” of the spots.

they are no longer there.

now look upon me in your pretty white. don’t hide. for that is how i see you.

my spotless bride.

oh, the number this vision did on me.

what a peace to know this is how my Father, the Bridegroom looks at me.

He is not over in the corner, tallying up my mistakes and sins. He, in fact, is tossing them out one by one.

i am the one holding onto them.

so every time i messed up last week at work, when i thought i was failing, and that Jesus was disappointed in me, He was actually crying out to me—“Leslie, I know that isnt who you really are!! Dont let them make you think you have gone too far! or said too much. or made too many mistakes. Let me be the one to define you. Let me tell you who you really are.”

i all but melted onto the floor.

similarly:

my dear friend and discipler sent me a text me not too many days after i received this picture and her text even further set this revolutionary truth inside me. She heard Psalm 139 for me (which, unknowingly to her, Jesus uses consistently in my life to speak deep identity into me—thanks, Rachel—way to hear Jesus). in this passage verses 7-12 speak powerfully to the inability of us, as children of God, to be separated from our Father:

“Where shall I go from your Spirit? Or where shall I flee from your presence? If I ascend to Heaven, you are there! If I make my bed in Sheol (hell), you are there! If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, even there your hand shall hold me. If I say, “Surely the darkness shall cover me, and the light about me be night,” even the darkness is not dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light with you.”

so even if I make my bed in hell—He will not leave me. what a promise. even my worst sin or greatest struggle will not keep Him from me. i cannot understand or comprehend this, but God is offering me redemption that knows no bounds. so what can i do but receive it wholeheartedly? in His kindness, that consistently leads me to repentance (repentance, not just empty apologies), He is gracious enough to receive me back.

every.

time.

Jesus has basically just said the same thing twice.

and theres a reason. i havent gotten it yet.

oh to know a Father, a God, that not only loves me enough to remove the sin, but desires my complete freedom enough to forget my sins. this is the difference between me and God (among a million others, ha.)—i focus on my failures; Jesus focuses on the successes since my failures. im always counting the number of times i blew it; He is rejoicing at the number of times i took even one step forward. i am paralyzed at the mere thought of my sin compared to God’s holiness—and while He appreciates this kind of fear—His desire is not for me to shrink back in light of His holiness—but to step into His abundant grace and provision. because—His deepest desire is for me to now also be made Holy. i mean, He has already called me righteous. how dare i deny His invitation?

i am often easily overwhelmed at the heaviness and shame of my sin. i hate it. i cant stand that i let silly and unsatisfying and mere momentary, fleeting things come between me and the best thing that has ever happened to me. its a heavy weight to carry…but thats just it:

i wasnt meant to bear such a thing. as God has now clearly communicated to me twice: Leslie, you are without blemish. you are clean. there is no great evil thing that you can do that would keep me from you. i claim you. then, now, and forever.

this changes everything.

don’t worry—there is more where all that came from:

Dean&Brittany’s wedding.

first of all—theyve been together for 8 years. yes. since 9^th grade. you can now close your jaws that are hanging open.

second of all: they are ten times cooler than ill ever be. and they wouldnt believe me.

thirdly—they LOVE Jesus. and at their wedding, they told everyone there that they love Jesus.

so the whole day was wonderful, beautiful…emotional. Bri was gorgeous. Dean looked pretty spiffy. the ceremony brought me to tears (which doesnt happen too often).

but—this is the thing that got me about Brittany’s wedding:

vows.

a familiar concept. and it wasnt just the fact that they were repeating promises back&forth (though it was during these declarations that i had this revelation). there is just something about vows and the words couples chose to define their marriage. theyre not just words. theyre not even just emotions.

they are choices.

each phrase is a choice Brittany&Dean are making. In these vows, they are pledging every day to be these things to each other—no matter how they are feeling. why? because they love each other. because Jesus is worth the giving of their lives to spend the rest of their days allowing their partnership to further the kingdom. because, here’s the thing: marriage was never THE goal for Brittany&Dean. Jesus is. marriage is a reward of the choices theyve both made consistently to run after Jesus, no matter the cost. and they got married, because they were both running at the same pace. both seeking the same prize.

so here’s what hit me: Jesus, what are the vows ive made to you?

and.

have i kept them? really?

and after much wrestling—

[[this is my resolve: i like my life. but i love Jesus. Jesus has redeemed me from the deepest pit of sin and darkness, and raised me up into His glorious light—and as i have learned recently: i am no longer covered with spots…]]

I AM NO LONGER COVERED WITH SPOTS.

this wonderful Father has come and redeemed me just as the kinsmen redeemer in Ruth. and there is nothing i can do that would put so many spots on me that Jesus would ever turn away. and though the world is nice, my desire is for my redeemer. and—His desire is for me. a love such as this deserves my whole heart. my whole life. the entirety of my affections and emotions. i have no where better to go than into the safe and secure embrace of Him who redeemed me as His bride. Jesus has vowed to never give up on me. to see His work in me through to completion. He is committed to my 100% healing from every small struggle to even the unthinkable sins. what a peace this security brings inside me. and what a fire that it kindles under me. unquenchable. what an insatiable hunger that has risen in me to truly know and love Jesus. He is making himself available.

the pastor at my church here said this last week, and it struck me:

“Grace doesn’t make God small—it just makes Him accessible.”

and i want to give my life to passionately and purposefully “accessing” the richness of my redeemer. i want to offer my vow–as he offered His.

oh Jesus—just as Ruth declared to Naomi, and Brittany declared to Dean, so now do i vow to you at the threshing floor of your house:

“For where you go I will go, and where you stay, I will stay. Your people shall be my people, and your God my God.”

as you have therefore joined me to yourself, let no man and no earthly or sinful thing separate. nothing.

here i am, Abba—spotless and lowly submitted at your feet. have your way in me.

I DO.

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